They Dared Me To Hold A Snake

I've written a lot on this blog about the many things I'm afraid of and how much of a scaredy cat I am.   As I've written these posts it's really become evident to me that this weight loss journey has not only redefined me physically, but psychologically as well.  Along the path of shedding the pounds, I've had to face a lot of fears of mine head-on: fear of the unknown, fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of getting hurt, fear of doing something new, fear of being embarrassed.   It has not been an easy process, but if you beat away at that frightened wall inside yourself every day then no matter what fears make up your bricks, eventually that wall will start to crumble bit by bit.  One of my husband's favorite authors, Frank Herbert, wrote the following:

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
- Frank Herbert

Fear can trap you and keep you locked into an unhealthy state. When the pounds started coming off, I noticed that I started getting braver.  I became more assertive in life and almost down right aggressive sometimes in the gym as my workout partners can attest to.  It was this new state of being that caused me today on a trip to PetsMart to rise to the challenge when my cousins dared me to hold a snake.

Silly me thought, "oh he matches my outfit."

The old me wouldn't have come within fifty feet of that snake, but something in the new me has risen up with the same spirit that loves to pound the punching bag and to shout back at anybody and the inner voice that doubts, "you're not going to tell me what I can't do!"

So yeah, I'll hold a snake.  What I won't hold anymore is the fear of being unsuccessful, or the fear of trying something new, or the fear of getting hurt.  Those fears are far more dangerous than any little old python.

Acting The Fool With My Friends

If a good habit is going to form and stick, it's got to be enjoyable and fun.   In the past I would attempt a workout plan solo, and hate every second of it.    The formation of my Transformation team and the friendships we developed taught me an important lesson: exercise can actually be fun if you find your niche.  Some people love to put on their Ipods and take off running for some alone time, but I love to socialize and hang out.   Once I realized that I could do that while getting my butt kicked in the gym, a whole new world opened up to me and I started looking forward to my time in the gym as one of the best parts of my day because I love to go down there and act the fool with my friends.

After our program ended and we were on our own to create workouts, our circle of gym buddies expanded.  We welcome anyone to come join us and adjust our exercise plan according to how many people come.  It's always a nice mix and today Flo and I had fun adding Regina and Veronica into our circuits. The first part of our workout was four rotations of a ropes/heavy bag/plank/squats circuit and whoever was doing the squats had to time the thirty second intervals.   The rope exercise for one of those rounds was to flip them up and down together and as I did my squats I almost forgot to keep up with time because Veronica looked like a crazed stage coach driver as she worked the ropes. I was laughing so hard that I almost fell to the side and at that point I realized that whoops, we'd gone much longer that round than thirty seconds.

Let's face it, we all look crazy doing something at some point in the gym, so why not go with it and have a good laugh at yourself and at your friends. Whether it's trying to crack Millie up while we're lifting weights or singing along to the eighties-hair-band-skating-rink music that they've been playing in the gym lately while trying to hold a plank, being stupid and random while working out is fun and fun means I want to keep doing it.

If you want to improve your outlook on working out, think about what is fun for you and incorporate that around exercise.  For some it's the freedom of shutting out everything for a solo run.  For me it's getting my sweat-on while acting the fool with my friends.

From Fear To Attack

Confession:  I have been avoiding the scale since the holidays began.  Just as the word "bath" sends my Jack Russell flying to the hardest to reach point under our bed, so also did the scale scare me.   I was not alone.  Today as Millie, Flo and I stood in the gym getting ready to work out, that wretched scale seemed to taunt us from its spot in corner of my gym. After gathering the weights we'd be using today, as we were standing having a discussion about our shoulders, I kept seeing the scale out of the corner of my eye.

"My shoulders used to be kind of straight across," Flo was saying, pulling the collar of her T-shirt over so we could see that her shoulders now had a distinctive rise in the middle part that's over her collar bone. "You can feel it."

Millie and I both reached over, grabbed her shoulders, and confirmed we felt the bumps on her shoulder too.  Then we each had to test our shoulders and sure enough, we had the bumps too.  We probably looked crazy, but that's what's fun about working out with buddies that have been with you every step of the journey, finding the little weird but good things along the way.

But I digress, in the corner the scale was still lurking like Freddy Krueger waiting for eighties teenagers to fall asleep.  As much as my heart was pounding and my stomach felt a bit sick, I had been wondering long enough.

"Let's go weigh," I told my friends as I took off my shoes (if you get on the scale in tennis shoes, you're just asking for disappointment), "It's time."

Saying a prayer first and then giving it the evil eye, I stepped up on the scale, held my breathe, and then let it out in one long whoosh.  I didn't lose over the holidays, but I didn't gain either.   I had managed to maintain.

Awful task over with, we got down to business with a killer workout.  We've been taking our exercise to a new level since the beginning of the year, ending each workout drenched and red-faced; now, based on the scale, it is time to get back into fight mode with the food.  As we've pushed ourselves past our comfort zones in the gym, it's time to go full-on attack mode, not only with exercise, but with the way we eat as well.  Today instead of letting the scale control my emotions and the way I view myself, I decided to use it as the tool that it is, and that was as an important change for me as losing a pound. The scaredy cat has finally learned to turn her fear-mode into attack-mode.  That scale better be prepared.

Dumb Stuff I've Done In The Gym

This time of year a lot of people are contemplating starting or returning to the gym.  A new year gives us all the desire for a fresh start on health goals we've been putting off during the holiday season.  I've had a lot of friends tell me they are ready to start, but they're just plain nervous about being in the gym.   It can be an intimidating place...you don't always know what you're doing, you might not have the right shoes or clothes, you don't know how to use most of the equipment and you don't want to look like a loser in front of those who do, maybe even the mere thought of Step class has you shaking in your Nikes.  Never fear!  I had all of these hang ups and then some, but after time and perseverance, my gym is now my happy place. It didn't happen overnight or without embarrassing incident. So, in case you're intimidated or nervous to enter the fitness zone, here is a list of dumb stuff I've done in the gym and survived:

• Ate chili for lunch a half hour before meeting my trainer.  Burpees were on tap that day and I just about made them literal.
• Flew off the back of a treadmill (only the second time I've ever done that).
• Tripped over my step in Step class.
• Went soaring over a random dumbbell lying in the floor when not watching where I was walking.
• Misjudged the length of the bench in the locker room and almost slid off (this was today).
• Knocked myself in the head with a free weight (luckily we were going for reps that day and not weight).
• Flew off of a stability ball while doing crunches.
• Stumbled across my step in Step class (I was Step class road kill for a while there).
• Almost crashed head first into my friend when we were on our stomachs on top of stability balls and mine went rogue.
• Knocked myself in the head with the lat pull down bar.
• Almost fell sideways off of a non-recumbent exercise bike.
• Did a bunch of arm exercises, tried to do guy push-ups immediately after, and face planted onto the floor.
• Bent down in the locker room to get my bag and stood back up only to be knocked in the head by an open locker door.

I've done some dumb stuff in the gym, but developing strong muscles has given me balance and cardio has given me agility leading me to be able to catch myself when these mishaps happen.   So, if a clutz like me can make the gym her own, there's hope for everyone.  And hey, if you work out at my gym and are nervous in the beginning, just keep your eyes on me.  More than likely I'm getting ready to trip over something.

Made Of Steel?

Next week the new Transformation team at my work will be chosen and we, the guinea pigs of the first program, are probably as excited to find out who they are as the candidates themselves.  The Transformation program and its two brilliant trainers changed my life and I am so happy for the new members because they have no idea the blessings that are about to be in store for them.   The program brought me to the awesome place I am now, it set me on my path, its leaders believed in me before I believed in myself, it inspired this blog, it saved my life, and it brought me friendships of the folks I now regard as family.  We, the inaugural class, now get to act as mentors to the new group, a role that I am really looking forward to.

My "family" and I met up in the gym as usual for our workout today, and in a way, we are as new as the folks who haven't been chosen for the program.  We are new to being on our own to work ourselves out and to be accountable for producing the results.  We've had to figure out our own workouts and also learn how to take ourselves to the next level once those workouts are no longer challenging.   Our trainers are still there as resources and friends, but now that our turn in the program is complete, we have to take the knowledge we gained and add some inner gumption to push ourselves past the comfort zones that become our default setting. We all have confidence in doing the exercises we know best, but what we're learning is how to motivate ourselves in the way a trainer can; to squeeze out that last rep or interval that we didn't think we had in us. 

I'd been kind of frustrated lately because while everyone else was hurting and sore, I didn't have that same soreness. "I'm sore." Millie said last week.  "I'm not." I'd replied. "You must be made of steel," she countered. I have definitely become strong, but my lack of soreness wasn't due to that;  I'd gotten in good workouts, but I'd been doing the same weights and reps and obviously it was time to be my own trainer and make myself do more.

Today I'm happy to say that not only am I going to be sore tomorrow, I could barely lift my sopping wet shirt over my head in the locker room after our workout. Completing a challenging workout with a trainer makes you feel awesome.  Creating and completing a challenging workout on your own though, well that just feels amazing!

Reasons To Do It

As is typical with a Monday workout, all my grandiose intentions in the earlier part of the day seemed unattainable once I actually plugged my earbuds in and started my workout on the elliptical today.  Sundays I rarely workout so on Monday I like to get in some good, sweaty cardio.  However, the coffee energy burst of earlier in the day had left me, ironically right before my workout, and I now just felt sluggish and lethargic. My music wasn't helping, the latest Kardashian antics in US Weekly weren't helping, looking out the window at the scenic Cape Fear River didn't do anything for me.  I flounced along slowly, hating every slow ticking minute, and willed myself to get with it.  In order to inspire/distract myself, I decided to make a list of why I should be doing the exercise that I was currently doing and started to tell myself:

• Do it to get ready for summer.
• Do it for your health.
• Do it because of those cheese nips you ate yesterday afternoon.
• Do it because of the good warm feeling you have after a workout.
• Do it for that pair of jeans in the back of the closet you're just about fitting into.
• Do it for that pile of too big clothes you don't fit into anymore.
• Do it because you're not happy unless you can wring out your shirt.
• Do it for that giddy feeling you always get from working out.
• Do it because it makes you feel like a rock star.
• Do it because listening to Eminem's "Lose Yourself" always makes you feel like you can accomplish anything.
• Do it for the good feeling in your lungs.
• Do it because a healthier you benefits everyone you love.
• Do it because you're committed.
• Do it because you like it.
• Do it because at one time you couldn't.

It worked.  I did the elliptical (which at one time I hated and literally couldn't last one minute on) for longer and faster than I've ever done and when I got off of it, I was sweaty and kinda walking in circles. Basically just the way I like it!

Is It Worth It?

In all things there are challenges, even in good things like transforming your health. So you have to ask yourself before you start out, is the juice worth the squeeze?

• A daily set of workout clothes added to the daily set of work clothes doubles my laundry and I'm in constant battle with the evil troll that lives in my dryer and hides my socks.  Is it worth it?  Yes.
• Step class today reached new heights and I staggered out of there with a neon pink face, a shirt that looked like I'd poured a liter of smart water over my head, and hair so frizzy even Richard Simmons wouldn't claim it.   Is it worth it? Yes.
• I was literally mad at an innocent salad tonight because it wasn't a meatball sub and Doritos.  Is it worth it?  Yes.
• My calves are so sore that my normal gait after the gym has now transformed into part Frankenstein, part George Jefferson.  People literally were asking me if I was okay as I staggered around the office and the grocery store.  The hubs and the dogs have gotten used to this strange limp.  Is it worth it?  Yes.
• Strange things have started hurting after workouts.  Even my toenails are sore.  Is it worth it? Yes.
• I've spent more in these months on tennis shoes than in all the other months of my life combined.  Is it worth it? Yes.
• I have to constantly reinvent the wheel with my food in order to outsmart my metabolism which I am becoming increasingly convinced is sneakier than I am.  Is it worth it?  Yes.
• I have questioned my sanity numerous times because I'm not satisfied at the end of a workout unless I'm sore or about to throw up.  Is it worth it?  Yes.
• A gym bag added to the laptop bag and purse (not to mention lunch bag filled with bulky healthy food) means I never travel lightly.  Is it worth it?  Yes. 
• There's pain.  There's discomfort.  There's frustration.  Is it worth it? Yes.
• There's success.  There's pride.  There's confidence.  There's strength.  There's victory.  Is it worth it?  Double yes.